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Kingdom Forgiveness: The Basics

All About the Heart

In Matthew 16 Peter had a revelation of Jesus as the Son of God. At that moment Peter saw Jesus clearly and the truth fell right out of his mouth: You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.

Jesus enthusiastically commends Peter for his sudden burst of clarity then makes this promise , “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” This promise changed the atmosphere around the disciples. Keys to the Kingdom!? The promise of power excited the disciples so much that Jesus had to warn them to keep it on the down low. He knew they had the promise of power, but they didn’t quite have the heart to understand its use.

How about you?

The Keys of the Kingdom unlock the power of binding and loosing in heaven and in earth. Wow. Do you really want the keys? Do you have the heart to use it well?

Simon believed and was baptized by Peter in Acts 8, but Simon proved later that he did not have the right heart to handle the Keys of the Kingdom. The Scripture does not make a point to prove he was not a believer, but it does make a point to show that he was immature and he was not ready.

When Simon made the mistake of wanting the power of the Kingdom before he had the heart to understand the purposes of the Kingdom Peter rebuked him: “When Simon saw that the Spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles’ hands, he offered them money and said, “Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit.” Peter answered: “May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.” Acts 8:18-23

Now, Peter rebuked Simon for having a tremendously stupid thought, and then Peter discerned that Simon’s heart was full of bitterness and that he was captive to sin. He was full of bitterness. This is important.

Bitterness is unforgiveness that has had time to mature.

Bitterness always imprisons us and others around us. Peter new that Simon was simply wanting a tool that he had no idea how to use, and he discerned that he had judgements and bitterness toward others. Kingdom power was dangerous for both him and others. Why? Because the Kingdom is a Kingdom of Family and if you don’t have a heart to receive God’s love and a heart to love others as family, then you will have no idea how to exercise Kingdom power.

Simon’s immature lurch toward wanting the power of the Kingdom before he was willing to repent and be reconciled to the Father’s heart is actually a common stupidity. I know I have been stupid. God still loves me. I bet you have been stupid, too. God still loves you as well. Simon was interested in the power to pour out the Holy Spirit which is not a bad thing at all, but Peter knew that it was fueled by dark motives that did not place reconciliation and family first.

God does look at the heart before he hands out the power tools.

Let’s shine light on our hearts and move on together to maturity. Let’s get the heart of the Kingdom in us. We must pause before we even try to claim the power of binding and loosing and ask our selves, “What is the heart behind this binding and loosing and what is the key that will release it?” If we get the heart of it we will be sure to understand the feet and hands of it. This harmonizes with the charge to “Seek first the kingdom and His righteousness and all this things will be added to you” in Matthew 6. I believe if you can get the heart of the Kingdom, then receiving and administrating its power--specifically the power to spiritually bind and loose--is as natural as walking.

The Heart of the Kingdom is Family

Like all Kingdom truth this will be simple.

Let’s look at Matthew 18:15-18 where Jesus repeats this promise of the power of binding and loosing (Matthew 16 and 18 are the only two occasions of this promise), but He does so inside a teaching on forgiveness. Jesus says,”If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”

In this passages Jesus has shown us the heart of the promise.

It is the heart of togetherness as His family. And this is how I come to see it so clearly: Jesus teaches on the power of binding and loosing being directly related to the process of coming together as family. He begins with, “If your brother...” and he wraps it up with a command on how to solve divisions and come back together as a family. Many believers fail to notice the hard connection that Jesus makes between the practical work of every day forgiveness and reconciling with our family and the unleashing of cosmic Kingdom power. Let’s not make that mistake anymore.

Forgiveness is Kingdom power.

It is the power to be His family before it is the power to do anything else.

Wait. I will say it again.

Kingdom power is the power to be His family before it is the power to do anything else.

Dear readers, the Kingdom is all about coming together as family. Family is all about connecting in real relationships as Father’s own family. Forgiveness is the pathway to connected relationships. First with God, and then with one another. God is our Father only because He can forgive our sins through Jesus’ work on the cross and now we can come close to Him. We please the Father’s heart by coming near to Him and then by coming together with one another as His family. This brings honor and true appreciation for Christ’s work on the cross! We do not please the Father just by coming to the same building for a meeting. The Father sees our hearts and knows if we are connected in real relationships or if we are just connected in our calenders. God’s dreams are fulfilled when we really come together and see each other as family and receive one another without division.

Now, if Simon had the heart for the family of God, then Peter just might have laid hands on him to impart the baptism of the Holy Spirit. He did not. Simon needed to truly repent and receive the Kingdom of God. We do, too. If we have had trouble receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit this is the place to start: Have you received God’s love? Have you forgiven yourself as He has forgiven you? Are you ready to forgive others and love them, too?

If you have a heart for the family of God, then the power to bind and release just might be yours to exercise right now and change the world around you forever. Lord, may your Kingdom come here on earth, as it is in heaven.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiving one another is necessary or we can’t come together as family. When we forgive and remove the obstacles between us then we call it reconciliation. We REconcile because in God’s heart we are family and there should be nothing between us. “Conciled” is not a word, but if it were it would mean “having nothing between us that separates us.” Unforgiveness means there is something between us that keeps us from having access to one another. The state of being reconciled is the state of having no obstacles like judgement, prejudice, or offense that is like a wall that keeps us apart. Reconciliation does not mean that we are best friends in the natural, but it does mean, very specifically, that there is nothing between us that would keep us apart.

The kingdom power of forgiveness is the power to remove the obstacles that block our way to family.

When we forgive we build family opportunity. When we forgive then God’s dreams can be realized, and the power of the Kingdom is released all around us! As a matter of fact, this Kingdom power goes about binding and loosing things in the heavens and on the earth all toward the establishment of God’s Kingdom family in heaven and in earth!

Think about God dreaming of His new family as Jesus continues in Matthew 18, “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Notice Jesus’ emphasis on “come together.” We didn’t think this was a magic formula based on numbers and meetings did we? If we did, then it just means we are like Simon and don’t yet understand the family heart of God. The only reason Jesus had to mention two or three is because you can’t be family by yourself. When we come together in His name, then we are indeed coming together as His family. He has given us His name, a new name.

Binding and loosing is not Kingdom voodoo. It is not some kind of incantation that we shout over situations that we don’t like and hold our breath until it works. Binding and loosing is what happens when we unlock the Kingdom of God by forgiving others as Christ forgave us, therefore we make room for the dreams of God to grow. The dream of God is for His new family who come only through the love and work of Jesus. Forgiveness turns the key to the doorway to this new family. This new family which are the citizens of and participants in the Kingdom of God. Jesus teaches us this very thing when he says, “Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father.” Matthew 13:43

Do you want to unlock the power of the Kingdom all around you?

Turn the key.

Forgive others and release the family of God to grow all around you.

Coming Together is the Goal

We know that the Kingdom is not driven by--nor contained by--the basic principles of this world. Romans 14:17 says, “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit...” so we would not jump to the conclusion that the results of binding and loosing is us getting richer in material things. Sons become rich in many ways, and it is the heart of the Father to bless us, but that is not the principle behind this promise--not in this passage. It’s true: this passage in Matthew 18 where Jesus says, “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” is often embraced by the “ask anything in my name” crowd who want to live in bigger houses. They say to poverty, “be bound,” and to riches, “be loosed.” I don’t see that promise here. I most certainly do have the promise of provision, however, and I am not afraid to claim it. Dad blesses me because I am His son and He needs no other reason. I do not need to appeal to any special formula to be blessed by God. I have an eternal inheritance with Christ and I am enjoying some of it right now. In this passage in Matthew, however, we are to receive the emphasis on the joy of coming together.

Look. It is understood that God’s own sons should have His nature and that they will be asking things in harmony with heaven. This is how we are to understand that if we, as family, agree together about what we are asking Father for, then, yes, surely it will be done. Some immature sons may agree on some silly things, but when my sons to the same things it does not inspire me to withhold my love. It only inspires me to put more of my heart into them. The chief way we avoid asking Father for silly things, is to focus on the goal of coming together--not in the asking for things. This heart for family will keep our prayer safe and it will make them more productive. The beauty of being together should be received as the Kingdom value in itself. The Kingdom is not the means to having what we ask for, but the Kingdom is, in itself, what we are asking for. When we ask for the Kingdom to come we will receive the opportunity to reconcile with God and others, and to come together as His powerful family.

For those readers who have been focusing on praying for the Kingdom to come so that art would be prophetic, and the poor would be enriched, and the broken would be healed...I commend you! But, I will also warn you and challenge you. You must understand that the prophetic grace, the provision of needs, and healing power flow naturally out of the sons of God who love one another as family. On the other hand, if you don’t have the heart of a son then all manner of selfish systems, carnal attractions, and foolish endeavors can be built on powerful art, social reform, and the power over disease.

Pray first for the heart of Kingdom family and then watch what beautiful things the power of the Kingdom can build.

In other words: of course the Father always grants the wishes of His own sons who have His heart. Dad loves His kids. This promise of coming together and asking for the things we need is absolutely true and trustworthy. It is simple, but it is not the goal of Kingdom power. It can’t be because if it was the main point then the formula it proposes would be flawed and terrible. Here is why. When Jesus calls us to imagine two or three being in the same spot on the this earth do we really think that He was revealing the fine print of “Prayers that Really Work?” No, surely not. Do you think that if three immature, short sighted believers in a fit of insecurity ask Dad for something stupid, that He is now under obligation to dispense the request like a mindless heavenly candy machine? Of course not. Here is another reason this prayer is not a numbers formula: What if I am alone and there is not another believer around, my cell battery is dead, but I need to ask God for something...can I still count on Father to answer my prayer? Of course I can. The point of this picture is obviously not to provide a formula where 3 + Prayer = Done. No. The point of this passage is to establish that being together as His family is the center of God’s purpose for us, and when we fulfill that purpose in the family dreams of God, then everything else is ours to have. Didn’t He say, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well?”

Aaah. Togetherness is not just a means to an end...which is how most read this passage. Dear reader, togetherness is the end!

Bringing people together “in His name” is not the machine by which we accomplish something greater, rather, forgiveness is the tool by which we accomplish togetherness! Now, inside of God’s dreams to establish His Kingdom family we can start to see these teachings on forgiveness come to life. As a family we have to learn to come together. We have to wage war on what divides us. Togetherness requires overcoming the things that separate us. Forgiveness is the key.

So, when Jesus says, “where two or three come together in My name,” He is just as excited about what is next:

“I am with them.”

This is a breadcrumb clue of the century! Follow the crumbs! Just the miracle that two or three would come together in His name reveals Father’s heart for family. Many people meet in the same room and pray agreeing prayers but they have no vision for the Kingdom family to be established between them. This is not coming together. They may have no understanding that they are favored sons in the Kingdom of their Father and it is His joy to meet with us. This is not coming together in His name, either. Jesus is underlining the fact that Kingdom-coming-together is what His blood has accomplished for us, and it is His gift to bring us together. Since we are now adopted as sons in the Kingdom by His blood, then we are to get on with acting like it. When we come together in His name, then we are coming together as people with one family name--we are one family. Praying with confidence is a natural outpouring of who we are in Christ so we can ask for anything in this confidence. Forgiveness is very nature of our entry into the Kingdom family, and now it is our nature to forgive one another. The Holy Spirit moves us to take hold of the requirements to forgive, and to receive the promise of forgiveness which is poured out in heaven and on earth!

In Matthew 18 Peter understood that Jesus was focusing on forgiveness and he immediately asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’” Peter just made it really practical for all of us. We can ask the same kind of question and add even a few more. We can all ask, “Jesus, what are the basics in Kingdom forgiveness?”

ONE: Forgive Every Offender

There is no loophole in the requirement to forgive. There is no statute of limitations on an offense that needs to be forgiven. There is no cap on forgiving even the same person committing the same offense over and over again. There is no “forgiveness does not apply” clause.

This can be very difficult to agree with especially if you have, or are being, deeply offended.

This must be submitted to, and it will take the violence that warned was necessary for those who really want the Kingdom of God.

We must violently oppose our nature to find reasons to hold our offenses against others.

I have a friend who was attacked and almost raped two years ago. The pain of her struggle is noted here as I quote an edited version of her statement to the court at her attacker’s criminal sentencing coming up in a few days:

“I want to communicate to the court, and to [the offender] and to his family that he attacked a real person on July 2, 2007. He attacked a real person that he overpowered for his own gratification. His actions filled me with fear, anxiety, sleepless nights and walls around my heart that I am desperately trying to knock down. His one choice has affected his life, but I want the court to know that is has also continues to affect mine. I still cannot sleep at night. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have visions of getting rape. I have anxiety. I jump at nothing and still see his face everywhere. This is what people don’t see. This is what the court hasn’t heard. I can function, but [the offender’s] actions have tainted my daily life. He might feel like He is going to be paying for what he did and attempted to do to me. But I am paying too. I am paying for his actions without any choice of my own. We are both living in prisons of the consequences of his choice.”

When I say that Kingdom forgiveness requires us to forgive offense I do so in clear view of the pain in my friend’s life, and potentially in yours. I am not blind to the seemingly justifiable payback we might all want to pour out on her offender’s head, but I also know that vengeance has never really been a medicine. In view of this I want to mention a few things necessary to wrapping our arms around this requirement:

1. Forgiveness does not require friendship.
   Remember, when we understand in reconciliation that we are removing obstacles between us and others? Well, forgiveness and reconciliation do require that hate, bitterness, offense, judgement, etc. be removed from the space between us, but it does not require that we re-enter that relationship. Some relationships require us to re-enter them and seek to restore our connection--others do not. In the case of being subject to abuse again, we need not re-engage. When the person is dead we can’t engage. When we had no relationship to begin with, then we may never engage. We must, however, forgive. These things might be covered more thoroughly in a subsequent article, but for now we must agree to forgive without requiring intimate relationship.
2. Forgiveness does not require forgetting.
   The old saying, “forgive and forget” is not in the Bible, and in many cases is not in the realm of the human capacity. Sure, many small things can be forgiven and in a short time they will certainly be forgotten. There will be things, however, as in the case of my friend who was so harshly attacked and abused that forgetting will probably never be an option. The question is related to the feelings associated with that memory. We will never require the abused to forget, but we will expect those who forgive to receive the grace of God to be able to bless and not curse when they do, indeed, remember. The bitter memories may return over a long period of time, but the act of forgiveness is a decision of the will that, whenever practiced, will peel that bitter onion down to nothing. We need not believe the enemy’s lie that if we still remember with bitterness that we have not really forgiven. We tell ourselves and the devil that we have forgiven them, and over time the dark spiritual accusations and the bitterness of memories will, most certainly, turn to blessing and peace by the wonderful power of God working in us to forgive.
3. Forgiveness IS removing the debt.
   As we have already implied forgiving is canceling the debt that someone owes us. When we are abused by someone, they owe us something. When someone promises to deliver help and they fail, then they owe us something. When a parent fails to engage us when we are young, then they owe us something. The list goes on. Forgiveness is being able to speak to the exact commissions of offense or the omissions of offense and say, “You don’t owe me anymore.” Done. We say it over and over until we make it true in our every thought, but the first time we say it we erase the debt from the page of our journal. They don’t owe me anymore. When we remind ourselves, and others, and the devil by repeating, “I have forgiven them and they do not owe me anymore” we are only reminding ourselves of what has already taken place so that it can rule our minds and the spiritual realm around us.

TWO: Don’t Let the Sun Go Down

When an offense is taken the clock starts ticking. Time does not heal. Time is what a living thing needs to grow. If we plant the seed of offense in our hearts it will grow. Oh, yes, it will grow whether we want it to or not. It will grow even if try to cover it up. The devil, himself, invented “time heals.” Here are some things that do not stop bitterness from growing up in our souls:

1. Trying to forget
   A totally useless track. Most of us have tried it. We sometimes try it without even knowing it especially in the case of being offended as children. Sometimes it seems like the spiritual high road--just brush it off and forget it. It doesn’t work. The seed is stuck in the soil of our soul. There is only way to remove it, and the faster we reach down and scoop it out with the choice to forgive the easier it will be. Our human logic says, “Just give it time and it will heal,” but time just allows the soil of our lives to cover it up and give it a chance to take root.
2. Making excuses for the offender
   Many people suffering abuse at the hand of a trusted person or friend will try this method for stopping bitterness. It not only doesn’t work, but it gives the offender the permission to repeat their offense over and over again. This is how we understand the heart of a person who has become trapped in an abusive relationship of any kind, and we commonly refer to it as a dark co-dependency. All we have to say is, “they didn’t mean to hurt me” and we are in deep trouble. Co-dependency is a kind of trap where another person’s offenses are excused so we can still get some kind of need met from them. Forgiveness does not sponsor sick co-dependency. Forgiveness releases us from the prison of offense.
3. Receiving blame for the offense
   Some of us in an attempt to put on a kind of humility will simply say, “I deserved it.” What a terrible hole this digs for us to live in. Being offended is not a rational situation that requires one person to be right or wrong. Being offended only requires a moment of being stolen from. Once someone steals from us there is no humility or self abasement that will remove the offense. Once again, just like when we make excuses for the offender, we give permission for others to continue to offend and abuse us, and though we hate to see it our hearts may begin to agree with this idea that, “we deserved it,” and we know what happens next don’t we? We start to be attracted to those who will treat us according to what we deserve. Forgiveness does not allow us give permission for others to continue to harm us.

The Scripture says in Ephesians 4, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” I would like to point out two very specific warnings in this passage, and one specific permission.

It obviously warns us that if we go slow we are in trouble. Some have said, and even some close to me, “Ben, you must go slow here and be careful so you don’t bring more harm to the situation,” in the case of a particular offense in a relationship. I have never, ever seen this advise come to anything good. I would like the advice from our mouths to sound more like, “You must be careful here because hearts are tender, but you must go quickly and seek to reconcile with this person.” This sounds more like obedience to Scripture to me.

Secondly, this passage warns us that if we do go slow that the devil will gain a foothold. It is a promise. I don’t know about you but I like the idea that my soul is a smooth sided mountain that the devil has no permission to climb! In my mind I imagine my soul is also covered with peanut oil. (You can make that the oil of forgiveness if you like.) Why would I want to give him a foothold? Why would I try and defy this warning and give the devil a place to hang on to any part of my life and do his work of killing, stealing, and destroying? You know the devil is not going to delay a second. This warning of the devil’s fast right to torment us is made even more clear in Matthew 18 when the servant who would not forgive received this promise, “In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.” And then Jesus says, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

A foothold of the devil is a place where he has the power to steal, kill, and destroy our family relationships.

Lastly, we do have some permission. We have permission to be angry. Yes, sometimes very angry. Angry as hell. I have noticed that those who refuse to be angry, are also terrible at forgiving. It is a strange, inhuman way to exist and I refuse it. Don’t go that way. We must exercise our permission from God to be completely human. We do have permission to be angry, but we do not have permission to be angry for long.

THREE: Pull Bitterness up by the Roots

We have said that offense is a seed that lands on the soil of our soul.

Unforgiveness let’s it lie there and take root.

Bitterness, then, is what the seed becomes over time: an gnarly, ugly tree under which the devil will make his home. This bitter tree will poison the ground all around under its black shade, and the decaying leaves will prep the soil for more bitterness to grow. You see, bitterness becomes the fertile soil for new offenses. It is not satisfied with a small place in our hearts. It wants to grow and take over, and spread its seeds all over.

Bitterness creates the perfect soil for new offense looking for a home. This is why a person who is full of bitterness and unforgiveness will always be able to take on new offenses in a hurry. Unforgiveness, when it finds a heart to make a home, will call to all of its friends to come and join it.

What does it mean to pull bitterness up by the roots? It means to find the very source--the beginnings of hurt and offense--and forgive.

I realize that many people just hate this idea. I have a friend who has confessed with her mouth that she is just not interested in revisiting her childhood or her family life because it it to painful recount. I am sorry to say that the hurt and offense from those early years still controls much of her life and actions today. We have to be brave to trace our way back through hard times to find the root of an offense. It takes bravery to remember back into a violation and try to understand what we believed about others, about ourselves, and about God. What we believed in that moment is often what influences us still. Let’s note these questions that we can ask ourselves that will help us uncover a root of unforgiveness:

1. Who hurt me, and what did I believe about them?

2. When I was hurt what did I believe about myself?

3. When I was being hurt where was God...and what did I believe about Him?

In order to be free from the power of unforgiveness we have to make these difficult journeys back to find the beginnings. Yes, we can forgive others today for the offense that we continue to be hyper-sensitive to in the present, but if we go back and deal with the root we will find that we are no longer a target for the enemy to bring the same hurt to us over and over again. That’s right: many of our repeat offenses or repeat problems are the result of bitterness that has given the enemy the right to set the rules of the game. When we pull bitterness up by the roots we remove the very foothold that has given the enemy any rights to torment us and our future is forever changes. We will no longer be under a curse, as it were, to repeat the same problem, the same offense, the same cycle of broken relationship.

It is worth it to read your old journals. It is worth it to pay a professional counselor whose expertise is in coaching these forgiveness journeys. It is worth it to ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light on our histories so we can release all bitterness and judgements.

FOUR: Bind the Spirit of Offense

1.  Avoiding Offense through Clear Expectations
In business or work relationships it is absolutely necessary to create job descriptions, or responsibility contracts before the work begins. In friendships and heart partnerships it is necessary to use the language of reflection (this is what I heard you say), permission (I want you to talk to me about this anytime), and role clarification (who am I to you?) if we are to truly grow together in safety and in maturity.

We have to use our “big words” on each other and be direct about what we are expecting from one another whether in work, in play, in projects, in romance, in parenting, in coaching...and the list goes on and on. If we don’t express our expectations beforehand we are just begging to create judgements and offenses that will find it incredibly hard to come into the light.

2.  Avoiding Offense through Realistic Expectations
We are learning to make our expectations realistic. First, we have to be in touch with reality! Ha. No kidding. We have to have an understanding of our own capacity, the capacity of others, and the state of our present relationships. If we expect others to perform in a certain way but they are not able to meet that expectation, then we have set them up to fail. It is like when people expect the lead teacher in their fellowship to automatically be their pastor. The teacher may have little pastoral grace and have no idea that a person is expecting soul care on a personal level. When they meet together if the lead teacher doesn’t show a keen personal interest and take up the person’s soul gardening in the form of personal questions and personal investment...then a hurt will form because of the failed expectation. They will walk away--one hurt and one confused--because the expectations were neither clear, nor were they realistic. This is a great example of what it means to “discover one another’s grace” and enjoy it. If we discover what another is graced (has capacity) to do, then we are free to enjoy that grace and not require some other grace they may be weak in.

Realism requires a humble view of our capacity to fail others, and for others to fail us. We must allow for human weakness in our expectations of ourselves and others. It is humility that allows us to not receive human weakness as an automatic offense.

3.  Avoiding Offense through Compassion
Learning to be compassionate toward other’s brokenness defends us against new offenses. An example of this is Matthew 18 when, “The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.” This pity is the compassion we are asking for. We are tender hearted sons who, because the heart of our Father is in us, can take pity on those who fail us rather than take up arms against them. We do not declare war on those who hurt us, but we do declare war on judgement and unforgiveness.

Taking on others’ offenses is a trap and it reveals our lack of trust in God. It reveals that we are willing to take on the administration of justice on behalf of someone we love because is not capable. If we take on someone else’s hurt against a person, then we have created a confusing web of judgement that is not easily untangled. This is because we have taken on the judgement, but we do not have direct responsibility in the reconciliation. In other words, they could forgive and reconcile, but we will still be left holding the hurt and emotions from someone else’s issues. We are called to be reconcilers, and taking on another’s offense ruins our effectiveness.

One of our best defenses against taking up other’s offense is having compassion toward both the breaker and the one who is broken. Compassion towards those who bring harm will help us to not take up offenses as quickly. Trusting in God to deal with the disobedient will help us not try and take His place. And, finally, receiving and practicing the ministry of reconciliation requires a tender heart and a belief that anyone can be forgiven and anyone can heal inside of God’s love.

Just in case this sounds hard to you, remember, 2Cor. 5:16 reads, “So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.” This is because we are dead to ourselves and our new life is in Christ. When we regard ourselves this way it radically changes our confidence in God. When we regard others in this way it radically changes the atmosphere of our relationships. We are not just people trying to imitate Christ. We are people who have been clothed with Christ, and all that God has purposed for us is going to come to pass. We regard everyone through this hopeful lens, full of faith for the future, and without judgements according to a worldy point of view...because we are not worldy! This is how we fulfill the wisdom of the Proverb 19:11: “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

FIVE: The Ministry of Reconciliation

This may seem extraordinarily short, but I think simple is best for this last challenge. Help others to forgive.

1. Take up the ministry of reconciliation. Take it up personally. Don’t wait for someone else to step in to a situation near you to help people come back together. Say it aloud, “It is my nature to help people come together.”
2. Help others articulate their wounds in clear, healthy ways. It is not your job to articulate their wounds for them or to take up their offense because this short-circuits the process. It is our job to help the offended clearly understand and describe the offense so they can go to the offender (if the situation requires it) or confess the offense to God with clarity and focus.
3. Help others choose forgiveness and reconciliation as the only alternative. Say it aloud, “I will not promote anything as more important than quick, humble, forgiveness and repentance when there is an offense.”
4. Require others to forgive one another and explain the rewards and consequences. By require I mean let your friends and those you have influence with know that you expect them to seek forgiveness for offenses, and that you expect them to express their offenses in a way that will sponsor reconciliation in every case. Teach Matthew 18 as “the way it is” not “the way it is for some.”
5. Become the killing ground for accusations and gossip. Make it clear to anyone who wants to speak of offense, or hurt, or judgement that reconciliation is the requirement in your family of love. Sharing offenses with anyone but the offender is not tolerated unless it is on the way to gain clarity toward the ministry of reconciliation.

Here is the article in a well organized PDF with chapter markers and title pages:  Kingdom Forgiveness: The Basics