How to Act like a Son
Scripture Note
Prov. 4:1 Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.
Part I
Like a “Dummies” guide for sonship
I love those books for “Dummies.” I don’t feel condescended to when I pick one up, rather, I feel that I will get the fundamentals laid out in a quick, easy-to-read manner and that all the non-essentials will be happily omitted. Great. So here is my offering to you. A quick, easy-to-read primer on some of the essentials of acting like a son. No big work on the concept, the theology of, or the great historical works surrounding...just the bare essentials for action. This article is not meant to be exhaustive. You may find things to add. Email me.
I propose this “how to” article for two reasons. The first is that usually when we begin to do things by discipline that are in harmony with the heart of a thing, it is more likely that the heart of the thing will take root in our souls and give rise to spontaneous work. For example, if when my sons fight over crayons and one smacks the other I demand that they say, “I am sorry,” then long before they actually feel sorry...sorrow and repentance may find a way to their hearts. Secondly, most of us know how we feel, but we don’t always know how to express it. A cheat sheet for action can be very helpful. For instance, for those of us macho men who know little about romance it is enough to simply do as we are told in romance “how to” guides: Buy flowers. Give compliments. Don’t burp your date’s name to her. These actions when met with the reactions and results of a real relationship will give rise to new romantic instincts that better reflect our hearts...and will more likely earn kisses in the future. Good.
Hey, Dad, watch this!
I don’t really think the word “dad” has to be thrown in to make this a real winner. I have two boys. I just went downstairs to make sandwich and the first thing Zane says as he jumps up on the counter and shoves a Lego thing in my face is, “Hey, Dad, look at this.” He made sure I looked at it and didn’t just grunt my approval without actually turning my head, and then he waited for me to say something. I said, “that’s cool,” and off he went. Enough.
Sons like to show. The son’s command to “look” is one that says several things: I enjoy your looking. I want someone who loves me to see this. I like your approval. I don’t want to be alone. I’m with you.
My son did not need me to tell him how to make the Lego thing, nor did he need detailed feedback on a written form. He did not want to schedule a meeting later. He just wanted some kind of immediate, focused attention. I think my son wants to know I am interested in what he does, and he derives some of his key identity from knowing who is really interested in him, what he does, what he makes, what he tries to do, etc.
Sons, tell your dads that you want them to see what you are doing. This includes what you did do, are doing, and will do. I think the present tense and future tense showings are more important that the past tense ones. They speak a bit more vulnerability. When a son only shows what has done, then his heart is probably aching only for approval, and wants to present only the good things that will earn it. The son that knows he is loved can share what he is presently doing, what is in process, as well as that which he has yet to even begin.
I need __________.
It is hard to imagine sons that don’t need their dads. Even 60 year old sons need their dads. Not in the same way as a 5 year old son, but they are not afraid to need. The older son, whose dad has died, still says it in the phrase, “I wish dad were here.” Why? Because the connection to who we are is thin without a connection to a watching dad.
Strange, then, that we don’t always know to use “I need” statements in our conversations with our living fathers. They are so simple. Here are some examples that mean it, but use different words: I wish you were here. I thought a lot about you when I was there. I want you to tell me what you think. If I don’t spend some time with you, I feel something is missing. I bought you this extra ticket to go with me. I need you with me on this.
There is something magically permissive about need statements. They don’t have to be weak, frail, and sickly dependent in their tone, they just have to give value to what the father brings by his very presence. It tells the father who loves, that he can love even more specifically.
Sons, tell your fathers you need them.
Thanks!
Wow. Really? Yep, no kidding.
There is really nothing quite like a simple “thank you” to help a son along in his journey with spiritual fathers. Nothing says, “do it again” quite like a simply gesture of thanks. They sound like this (try them aloud to see how they fit). I really appreciate you coming with me. Thanks for listening, it means a lot. I am so grateful that you took the time to be with me. I loved hearing your heart on this, thanks. Thank you. Thanks.
You can do this in person (best), on a phone call (good), or in an email/text (ok). Sons just do it.
Part II
But the employee operates differently
As is my habit, I am going to throw in some contrasting value/actions that populate the life of the employee has he relates to his manager. These instincts die hard even in the life of the son, and must be discerned and diminished as we go along. I don’t think focusing on these will help the son any more than an alcoholic should focus on his favorite drink in order to quit it, but maybe by mentioning them it will help us see.
What should I do?
Sounds healthy enough. Even sounds humble. But there are few times when the heart of a father is just to tell his son what to do. The heart of the father is to implant the “why we do” values into those he loves. A son is built to believe that his judgement is derived from the same value anchor as his father’s, and that he will be trusted to act accordingly. It’s not that a father will not tell a son what to do. It is that the father does it to instill value, not to create an deficient who can’t choose for himself.
Want to live like an employee? Then keep asking your leaders what to do. Employees must ask their managers what to do, because it is from this formula that success, paycheck, promotion, and approval are all derived. Sons avoid this naturally, most of the time because they are already very satisfied with their position in relationship.
Why are you here?
It’s that odd moment when you land at a purely social engagement, a casual party, and bam! your boss from work is there. Oh, so wierd. Awkward. Why? Because employees and managers know when they are “on” and when they are “off” and they calculate very carefully their actions accordingly. Seeing a manager in a non-managed environment, then, feels very out of balance. You shouldn’t be here.
Managers and employees are very satisfied, and most comfortable with, remaining unreachable after business hours. It is a preservation of the sacred “on” space where positions, power, appearance, and vision can all be carefully conducted, and the “off” space become uniquely theirs to actually enjoy. This sadly, is the most common leadership style taught at seminaries everywhere best I can tell because I hear it repeated often, and I see it lived out even more often among “pastors” of fellowships with their employees--their staff.
Sons, in contrast, are comfortable with their whole lives being available for the enjoyment of their fathers.
Where is my place?
Poor employee heart. Always needs a position to feel good, and a promotion to feel great. These feelings soon diminish.
This value grows a constant need for attention, accolade, and promotion to new responsibilities and new pay raises. It talks about itself at the water cooler, at lunch, and can’t shut up even at the Christmas party. It needs so badly to be recognized. James 3:16 reads, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” Watch and see. The employee heart always needs to be schmoozing his way to the next opportunity to ascend, and will do anything to get it.
Sons don’t need promotion any more than a younger son needs to become the older in order to feel a part of the family. When an employee heart doesn’t get the notice and advance he craves, it will quite that manager and find a new one who will give it. And damn the last manager for being such an idiot.
Sons don’t quit your dads.
Back to the positive notes
When I think of one Scripture that points to the contrasted heart of the sons and the slaves (employees) I think of Hebrews. I think of the whole book. It begins with a challenge that only some can enter into the rest of God but some remain at work in the hardness of their hearts. This makes me think of the difference in the actions listed above. In one category there is rest, and in the other there is constant, never ending work. Hebrews culminates in Chapter 12 as the writer clearly defines those of us who can receive this word as...sons. To me Hebrews is the long, circular picture of understanding that God has always been for His sons, and anything less is the tiring religion of slaves and their master-managers.
I think you may have the heart of a son. I think many of you only need a few little bread crumbs that lead down new trails of action. Once you get started you will invent your own language and expressions for sonship. They will be clear and personal. They will lead to intense joy and amazing new difficulties. Best wishes on your journey.
So I am underneath an old RV with a good friend, a son in the Lord. We are changing the oil together. I suggested it as an excuse to get a little time together after he expressed some apprehension about doing the job alone. As we work on the oily stuff together he confesses that though he loves me like a spiritual father that he feels very awkward about how to act. I ask of his relationship with his natural dad. He was an alcoholic and very removed. Oh.
I share the story of how boys always say, “Hey, dad, watch this,” and then I ask him a question:
Will you call me every now and then not to ask advice, but just tell me what you are thinking of...or what you are doing?
Ok.
Then that is enough for now.
Ben Pasley
April 2008
Download the PDF: act_like_son